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Coming Through, Going Over

I cannot tell you that one day, you’ll wake up and ‘stop feeling’. Anyone who tells you so, is lying to you. Unless of course, you do drugs, or drink. Then, you’ll have ‘the hangover/come-down from hell’ to contend with, in addition to your bereavement.

woman with dead loved one

Friends, foes, frenemies, family, and church members will come to commiserate with you. But they will leave you alone with your memories, while they return to their father/mother/brother/sister/fiancé/fiancée/husband/wife/in-law/son/daughter/friend/grandparent.

They will tell you that “we cannot question God or His Will”. But unless you’re a log of wood, you WILL question eerything you thought you knew. If you’re more restrained, you’ll do that when you’re alone, so that no-one else can hear ‘the worst sinner on the planet, blaspheme’.

They will also have a myriad of opinions on what you’re allowed to feel, think, say.
Wear black, to show the entire world that you’re mourning. Wear white, to prove your faith in ‘god’ and make the devil ashamed.
Cry and let it all out. Don’t cry too much, it proves you have no faith.
You’ll have another child, God gave and has taken this one back.
Re-marry quickly, to help you get over it. Never re-marry, because that’s a betrayal.
Throw yourself into your work, to take your mind off things. Don’t work.
See a shrink to help you. Don’t see a shrink, everyone goes through loss.
Talk about them, so that your children don’t forget them. Don’t talk about them, so that you can forget.
Grieve now, so that you don’t break down in the future. Don’t grieve because it’ll make the devil happy.

grief

Some who think they’re helping, will even compare your loss with theirs. When the truth is NO TWO LOSSES ARE THE SAME. Even a woman who loses two children at different times, doesn’t feel the same way both times.

You’ll get angry. Angry at ‘god’, for letting it happen. Angry at them for dying on you, and leaving you. Angry at yourself for letting yourself love them, because if you didn’t love them so much, it probably wouldn’t hurt so much, right? Angry at the sun for continuing to shine on others, when darkness arrived for you in broad daylight. Angry at others for continuing to live and function properly, when you feel like some sadist amputated three of your limbs without your permission, and without anaesthetic.

They tell you that you’ll forget. They lie. Many things will set you off. Their favourite colour. The smell of their perfume on someone else. A meal they hated. Seeing or hearing something that you ‘just have to tell them’ and picking up the phone, only to realise they will never take your call ever again. You’ll wonder why your eyes are still open and why you’re still breathing, when you know you heard and felt your own heart shatter into pieces. And you’ll be tempted to find solace at the bottom of a bottle, or an ocean.

When you’re lying alone at night, with nothing but your memories for company, you’ll wish you could bargain with death – your life for theirs. Anything to take away the pain. The pain that even Panadol Extra & Ibuprofen cannot soothe.

You won’t forget, but one day, the pain won’t be ‘as bad’. You’ll actually find that you can smile again. You’ll feel like you can breathe easier. You’ll hear laughter, and be stunned to discover that it’s coming from you. I don’t know if ‘one day’ for you, will be five months, or five years down the line.

You won’t get OVER it, no. But you will get THROUGH it. Because, frankly speaking, what other choice do you have?

Copyright©Chioma Nnani

PS: This blog post was written for a Facebook contact, shortly after she lost her husband. It has also been published on www.chiomannani.blogspot.co.uk and has been re-published (with permission) on www.femmelounge.org

2 Comments on Coming Through, Going Over

  1. “you won’t get over it but you will get through it”..that’s my best line.and people will come to console you and tell u dat their own loss was bigger than urs is not a funny experience..or tell u ure not the first person it happens to.Thanks for this post!

  2. Wow! Succinctly put.No two losses are exactly same ,and each is peculiar.
    People will always tell you what they feel could help sooth your pain,you can’t stop it however,your mind at such time sifts through it all even as you look forward to when you’ll hurt no more.
    Good piece.

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