Person in public eye, during marriage
On Twitter: Oh what a joy it is to wake up to a ‘special’ alarm clock and breakfast in bed.
In television interview to promote book/movie/TV series/music: My husband is so supportive that he took time off work, just to bring me strawberry waffles dipped in milked honey, when I was on set for this series/recording this album/writing this book.
On soft-sell magazine cover: I know the secret to everlasting marriage! I am such a submissive woman. Fame is nothing to me. In fact, as soon as my husband says ‘Jump’, I jump twelve times before I ask, “How high, darling?”
On Facebook: Divorce is not an option. My husband and I know Jesus, more than everyone who has ever faced a challenge in their marriage. In fact, if you in-love (sorry, involve) Jesus from the start, you will never have any challenge.
At red-carpet gig: My husband and I are such great pals. We don’t know where one stops, and the other begins. As you can see, we are dressed in matching colours to express the fact that we are one. There are no individuals in this thing. I am him and he is me.
In marriage seminar (aimed at unfortunate singles): My husband and I have never had any disagreement. We definitely do not quarrel. That is how in-sync we are.
In joint magazine interview: We are the pillars that hold each other’s lives.
In radio interview: My husband is the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, because of him, I no longer eat sliced bread. I just kiss him, instead. My wife is my all-in-all. In fact, I even have to pray everyday to make sure she does not take the place of Jehovah God, in my heart.
In newspaper interview to discuss issue of national importance (rising costs, inflation, education, etc): My husband buys me Brazilian weaves, once a month. My wife cooks ogbono soup, really well.
In a call to blogger: I don’t know why you people just like writing about people you don’t know. Anyway, it is because you are not married. My husband is the best, and no-one can displace me.
On Instagram: My husband and I can never be separated. Haters, go and swallow a burning transformer, in an area of Lagos where electricity never goes out.
In Facebook group: My husband is my life-jacket. With him, I need no clothes. He covers me well.
In Facebook “Christian women’s group”: If you are having an issue in your marriage, it is because you stole him from his ‘rightful wife’. If not, ‘god’ would have answered you by now.
To younger sister: You mean, you have been dating that guy for two weeks, and he hasn’t mentioned marriage? I knew the second I clapped eyes on my husband that he was ‘the one’. Just as I knew when I saw that one you say you’re dating, that he’s a player. You know I have a gift for these things. Be dulling yourself. He will dump you if you don’t speed things up.
Leading up to/in the middle of/after divorce
On Twitter: Men are evil! (gets deleted after frantic call from PR)
Publicist Statement 1: My client’s Twitter account was hacked. We have nothing more to say on this non-issue.
On Facebook: Every good thing must come an end. Men are evil. Women are devils. (gets deleted, but not before at least three bloggers have seen it)
Publicist Statement 1b: We have mutually decided to end our marriage. We remain friends, and respectfully request privacy during this difficult time.
On TV interview ‘to not talk about the split’: Well, God has been helping me. That is all I can say. This life … no comment.
At red carpet gig: Sometimes, people who shouldn’t be involved, get involved.
Publicist Statement 2: Sometimes, life gives you lemons even when you are an apple person. We would appreciate privacy.
On cover of soft-sell magazine: The devil/b*tch I married, was just a treacherous, murderous gold-digger. I was the one financially carrying the marriage.
Publicist Statement 3: We will sue anyone who refuses to give us the privacy we have demanded.
Publicist Statement 4: We beg for privacy.
On Twitter: God will punish you and your generation (minus the children we had together) for breaking my heart.
Magazine interview: I didn’t know the destiny-destroyer was married to another woman.
In church: I didn’t know the useless female I called ‘my wife’ (thankfully, now soon-to-be ex wife) was dating another man under my roof. Can you imagine? Their family truncates destinies. Thank God for my life, else I would have been a goner.
In a call to blogger: Why can’t you people respect someone’s privacy? Don’t you know I have children? They will read all these horrid things you’re writing, one day.
Publicist Statement 5: … privacy.
All Rights Reserved, Chioma Nnani 2015